Mr. Churchill's Neighborhood
Inclusive Quotes for Sensitive Ears
To: Puffin Books and Inclusive Minds
Now that you’ve made Roald Dahl into a safe, warm, considerate sort of fellow, it’s time for a more ambitious project—The Inclusive Churchill: Quotations for Modern Audiences. Allow me to offer ten small and carefully considered edits to some of Churchill’s more famous quotes. A number of these quotes are apocryphal or misattributed, but The Inclusive Churchill is about feelings, not facts.
Lady Astor: “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.”
Churchill: “And If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”
Lady Astor: “If I were married to you, I’d put stevia in your coffee.”
Churchill: “And If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”
“Dogs look up to you, cats look down on you. Give me a pig. He just looks you in the eye and treats you as an equal.”
“Dogs look up to you, cats look down on you. A pig looks you in the eye and treats you as an equal. But equity recognizes that each person (or animal) has different circumstances and allocates the exact resources and opportunities needed to reach an equal outcome.”
“If you’re not a liberal when you’re 25, you have no heart. If you’re not a conservative by the time you’re 35, you have no brain.”
“If you’re not a liberal when you’re 25, you have no heart.”
Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”
Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “I apologize. I shall be sober in the morning.”
“We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”
“We shall enjoy our island, whomever our visitors may be, we shall play on the beaches, we shall picnic on the landing grounds, we shall dance in the fields and in the streets, we shall hike in the hills; we shall never be mean.”
“Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.”
“Give in.”
“You ask what is our policy. I will say, it is to wage war with all our might, with all the strength that God can give us, to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime.”
“A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.”
Told by the Foreign Secretary that the Italian city known in English as “Leghorn” should be called by its Italian name, Churchill responded: “I should like Livorno to be called in the English—‘Leghorn,’” though “if at any time you are conversing agreeably with Mussolini in Italian, ‘Livorno’ would be correct.”
Told by the Foreign Secretary that the Italian city known in English as “Leghorn” should be called by its proper Italian name, Churchill responded: “As part of our commitment to becoming an anti-racist, diverse, equitable, inclusive, and culturally respectful nation, we’ll call it ‘Livorno.’”
“Many … are apt to regard the French as a vain, volatile, fanciful, hysterical nation.”
“Many … are apt to regard persons experiencing Frenchness as a vain, volatile, fanciful, hysterical nation.”
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it, though it’s not unusual for future editors to review an author’s language during a new print run and make changes that are ‘small and carefully considered.’”
Robert F. Graboyes is president of RFG Counterpoint, LLC in Alexandria, Virginia. An economist, journalist, and musician, he holds five degrees, including a PhD in economics from Columbia University. An award-winning professor, in 2014, he received the Reason Foundation’s Bastiat Prize for Journalism. His music compositions are at YouTube.com/@RFGraboyes/videos.
Hilarious! Thanks for giving me a laugh this morning. 👍