Huzzah! Official Inaugural Souvenirs
Four frame-worthy BASTIAT'S WINDOW graphics on the Presidency, including "Schoolhouse Rock 2025—How a Bill Becomes an Amendment"
A couple of people asked about making posters available for Item [3], published last week. Feel free to download these graphics, share them, print them, and frame them. If you have any problems with the files, just write me at rfg.counterpoint@gmail.com.
[1] SUPER-DEFINITIVE PRESIDENTIAL RANKINGS & PORTRAITS
Above is a reconfigured version of my “New and Improved Super-Definitive Presidential Rankings” from November 11, 2024. That article slightly updated the Super-Definitive Presidential Rankings offered on August 29, 2024. They were described—a wee bit incongruously—as (1) “A 100% totally Scientific™ cost-benefit analysis of all 45 U.S. presidents,” and (2) “The subjective, transitory, slightly puckish perceptions of Robert F. Graboyes.” Those posts, in turn, followed on two earlier pieces—“Polls, Pols, and Poli-Sci” and “Presidential Prodigiousness Potpourri”—which conducted an autopsy on the widely cited intellectual cadaver known as the “2024 Presidential Greatness Project Expert Survey.” That survey’s eye-rollingly indefensible “greatness” rankings were determined polling “current and recent members of the Presidents & Executive Politics Section of the American Political Science Association.”
My own rankings define five tiers of presidents, and today’s new chart gives them Olympic-like metallic labels reflecting their legacies: GOLD (highly positive), SILVER (somewhat positive), BRONZE (neutral), LEAD (somewhat negative), and POLONIUM (highly negative). [Note: For those unfamiliar with polonium it is radioactive, toxic, and unstable.]
Rankings reflect performance as president and, in a few cases, behavior as ex-president. No weight is given to pre-presidential achievements. So, for example, James Madison gets no credit for authoring the Constitution, but Jimmy Carter is marked down for 44 post-presidency years of obsequiousness toward tyrants.
There are two special categories outside of the 5-tier definitions.
William Henry Harrison, Zachary Taylor, and James A. Garfield were all listed as “too brief to judge.” Each died in office before he had time to establish a meaningful legacy.
Donald Trump was listed in the LEAD category in the August 29 rankings. But, as explained in the November 11 post, his return to office means that his legacy is up for grabs, with the final verdict unknowable for now. As noted then, Franklin Roosevelt’s first two terms would have awarded him a LEAD Medal, but his third term vaulted him into the GOLD.
[2] CON LAW
AAAAAND, just when you thought things couldn’t get any stranger. With three days to go as President, Joe Biden suddenly discovered that the long-dead Equal Rights Amendment arose from the dead five years ago and walks among us again.
[3] 2025 INAUGURAL SÉANCE: 47 Brand-New Portraits by 47 Long-Gone Artists:
The portraits on the rankings graphic in section [1] were extracted from a graphic released as “2025 Inaugural Seance!!!: FAKE ART NEWS! 47 Brand-New Portraits by 47 Long-Gone Artists!”Anticipating the Inaugural, my wife and I used Grok (X’s A.I. tool) to “ask” 47 deceased artists to do portraits of all 47 presidents. As explained in that piece:
“Some images are exactly what Grok generated. Others needed edits for color, texture, etc. For maybe half the images, we specified the artist beforehand (e.g., ‘Portrait of Jefferson in the style of Warhol’). For others, we specified a style (e.g., ‘FDR as a WPA mural’) and then searched for artists whose works looked similar to the result. Some queries were simple; others, intricate.
The January 12 post explained the connections between each president and his “portraitist.” For example, James Garfield was a master of ancient languages and mathematics, so he becomes a classical Greek statue by Rodin. Fillmore helped open Japan to trade, so he gets a woodblock portrait by Kuniyoshi. I’ve added a QR code that takes you directly to the January 12 post.
[4] THE 2001 INAUGURATION, AS IMAGINED IN 1901
A slightly different version of this graphic first appeared in “Longtermism and President Barrington” on July 9, 2023. It’s my pictorial representation of a fantasy piece published the day William McKinley began his second term—March 4, 1901. With America thrilled by the arrival of a new century, the Official Souvenir Program distributed that day included a 1,500-word vision of the inauguration of one “George McKinley Barrington” as President of the United States of the Americas—in 2001. A blend of science fiction and colonialist utopianism, the piece offered a snapshot of what Edwardian Era Americans presumed would be the aspirations and ideals of their great-grandchildren a century hence—including a United States encompassing the entire Western Hemisphere. Fuzzy reproductions of the fantasy are shown below, but the “Longtermism …” post reproduces the full text of the piece.
A few quotes from the 1901 fantasy are worth repeating because they’re oddly appropriate for the 2025 Inauguration and general political climate:
“George McKinley Barrington, of the State of Ontario, was today at high noon invested with the office of President of the United States of the Americas.” [So, Canada is part of the U.S., eh? No mention of Greenland.]
“Not less than $10,000,000 was expended on the celebration, and more than 10,000,000 people witnessed and participated in the exercises.” [Either inflation was really low in the Alternative Timeline’s 20th Century, or they really skimped on the hors d’oeuvres at President Barrington’s shindig.]
“The inaugural parade was thirty-six miles in length, and despite the fact that those participating were carried in aeroplanes, aerialautos, and other conveyances from the Mansion of Executives to the Capitol, …” [So, as is true in our time, Gilded Age-Americans also asked, “Where is my flying car?”]
“With President Barrington in the airship [was] Vice President Harris, …” [She made VP a lot earlier in the Alternative Timeline. What was Barrington thinking?]
“Mr. Sterling, Secretary of State for the Philippines, was unable to attend, owing to a severe hurricane on the Pacific, which blew his aerialtrans from its course and compelled him to make the trip via Cape Horn with great delay.” [Guessing the Panama Canal fees were too high to pay.]
“Among the finer displays were those of clubs from Sitka, Santiago de Chile, Montreal, Rio de Janeiro, Mexico City, Havana, Manila, Honolulu, Quebec, St. Thomas, Chicago, and New York.” [No border wall needed.]
“Four great automatic bands were placed in the corners of the space and, operated by buttons, simultaneously rendered a programme of popular music.” [Combination jukebox and Spotify?]
“Grand Marshal Burns and his staff of 1,000 aides are to be commended for keeping the atmosphere between the avenues clear of conveyances.” [Special thanks to Smithers.]
“Secretary Garner, of the Department of Telegraphs and Cables, was the first to greet Mr. Barrington, and presented him with sympthacables from the Congress of the British Republic; President Guerland, of the United States of Germany; King Louis XXI, of France; President Arcolie, of the Republic of Italy; and President Cinerot of the Republic of Spain and Portugal. No word was received from Russia, owing to the recent death of the Czar.” [Alternative Timeline Bolsheviks were a bit slower to pull the trigger. Also looks like the Windsors really pissed someone off.]
“[President Barrington’s recommendations included] turning the Arctic current aside, off the coast of Labrador, so as to enable the Gulf Stream to change the climate, be begun at once, …” [Alternative Timeline Greta Thunberg DEMANDED climate change. How DARE you!!!]
“[M]any notable addresses were delivered through the phonelegraph.” [Beta version iPhone, perhaps. Alternative Timeline Steve Jobs loudly fired the marketing guy who proposed the name “phonelegraph.”]
“Later, at 16 o'clock, and lasting until 18 o'clock, an ‘Old Century’ parade was made the feature, and created much merriment. In the grotesque line were ancient vehicles known as ‘automobiles,’ …” [Alternative Timeline Gavin Newsom got his way with automobiles a bit early. Still can’t get the trains running, though. From the text, bicycles and electric street cars are also things of the past, so the Portlandia crowd didn’t get their way, either.]
“[M]any distinguished foreigners who arrived late in the afternoon by private air yachts were present.” [Just like climate activists at Davos in our timeline!]
“The Great Central Hotel alone had 19,000 rooms reserved and ready this morning … .” [Wondering whether this hotel is owned by the fellow who hosts the phonelegraph programme, “The Apprentice.”]
The following images are from the 1901 Official Souvenir Program. For ease of reading and scannability, I reproduced the full text at “Longtermism and President Barrington.”
LASSOING IKE AND OTHER INAUGURAL WEIRDNESS
In 1953, cowboy nostalgia was all the rage, and Dwight Eisenhower’s Inaugural ceremonies were loaded with reminders. In particular, rodeo and film star Montie Montana rode up on a palamino and lassoed Ike. On the day of Donald Trump’s First Inaugural, Live Science published “The 15 Weirdest Presidential Inaugurations in US History,” by Kacey Deamer and Tia Ghose. Among the accounts were Washington’s amazingly brief address, Clinton’s reggae bands and Elvis impersonators, Lincoln’s hair on Teddy Roosevelt’s finger, dead birds, more dead birds, Obama’s fumbled oath, coat-check blunders, and Andrew Johnson’s drunken rant.